Non-fiction for ficticious people

I remembered I had a livejournal. I tend to forget.  I have been a very busy girl as of late, what with senior year being all here and stuff.  I'm working on all the fun stuff, like finishing up all my requirements so I can graduate on time, (which I will, no problem there), getting all prepared for going out into the "real world" and what not. 
As of now the game plan is to graduate in spring to be followed directly by a year stretch in AmeriCorps working out of hopefully D.C. or some place cool that isn't Ohio.  After that, it's off to graduate school to start my M.A. in history.  Currently I'm looking at the University of Toronto.  They have a large amount of 20th century U.S. social historians, and they don't require the GRE, which I don't want to take, but I'll have to anyway.  People keep asking me what I plan to do after graduation, or what I plan to do with my degree.  I keep saying "oh I'm going to teach at the college level, blah blah blah", but in reality, I have no fucking idea what I really want to do.  I'll admit, the future is really starting to freak me out.  I've never been one to really think ahead. I've spent most of my life living in the past, and recently I've started really to enjoy living in the present, living for the moment, (because life is awesome).  I've never been one to look ahead.  It wasn't a big deal in high school, I knew I was going to college, I knew I had four more years of school always being there for me to not have to worry about planning my life.  But college is ending, sooner than I feel comfortable with, what then?  My carefree fun times are really coming to an end.  I mean, I'll still have fun, because let's face it, I'm actually 12 years old, but there is no "next year" for me. Next year is the big kids' table.  Grad school won't be like undergrad, I'll be there to work for real, doing research and being responsible.  My year in AmeriCorps will be me living on my own, responsible for my own bills and finances, living without the security blanket of school.  I've been in some form of school since I was three or four, and while I'm only taking a year off, that still scares the hell out of me. 
I'm not ready to be on my own.  I'm 21 years old, and yet I still feel like a little kid sometimes.  I know I'll be fine.  I know I'll be able to make it on my own, because I am a strong independent person, who is stubborn as all hell and I won't allow myself to fail.  But no matter how confident I may sound when I talk to people, no matter how sure of myself I project to others, inside I am shaking and nervous.  I'll get by though, I know I will.  I just want to do more than get by.  I've always done just enough to get by, and it's time I stop that, because I want more out of life.
Over the summer, my good friend Anthony came to visit me in Columbus. One night, whilst sharing a hookah, we discussed the idea of fear.  People are bond by their fears, they let them hold them back and as a result, they do not reach their full potential.  We spend so much energy fearing life, that we actually forget to live it, and end the end, we've wasted a beautiful thing.  Since that conversation, it has been my on-going task to not let my fear control me anymore.  It's a slow process, but I'm making progress I think.  I'm making dedicated decisions for my life.  My application for AmeriCorps is in, so that's one thing.  I'm doing an independent study with a professor next quarter, which will then go to helping me with my grad school references, as well as a writing sample. (The paper will also be read at the Undergraduate History Conference in the spring, and maybe published in the annual history journal.)
But it's not just in terms of my academic life that I'm doing away with fear, it's also in terms of my personal being.  I have been a creature bound by fear for as long as I can remember.  I have trust issues, and I had a lot self-esteem issues.  My self-esteem issues are not really a problem anymore.  I'm so fucking self confident, I probably come off as arrogant sometimes, but really, it's just to remind myself that I'm worth more than I've let myself believe.  I've written it here before about my issues with depression, cutting, and suicide.  Those problems no longer affect me, because I gave up the fear of being judged, and have learned to love myself.  In two weeks I will celebrate my two years free from self harm and two years more of life.  But as for my trust issues, well, that's coming along much more slowly.  I've been hurt by a lot of people I've trusted.  I've had friends turn their backs on me, never to speak to me again, friends who have broken every unspoken law of friendship and violated all that is sacred in terms of trust, and I've had my heart broken by boys who said they would never break it.  It's hard for me to trust people unconditionally, because so many have betrayed that trust.  I'm working on opening up to people.  It would be arrogant to say that I'm doing this solely for myself, because I'm not.  There is somebody I care about that I want to share with, it's just so hard for me.  So I'm working on trusting, so that I can trust him with what's on my mind.  I need to not be afraid of what's going to happen. I need to stop keeping people at arms length, because not everybody is going to hurt me.  And it's okay to for me to feel everything and express that.  One of my problems is that I feel everything and yet keep it bottled up inside me and let it eat at me, and then there I am crying my eyes out one day for no reason because something stupid set me off.  (This happened last week, and it ended with a chocolate bar, a crossword puzzle, and my sociology prof catching me skipping class so I could cry in the Bannex, all because some dude said he wouldn't hire me unless I worked Halloween. Stupid, I know.)  I'm allowed to cry, to laugh, to dance, to be angry, to love.  I just need to get rid of this fear.

I'm glad I wrote this down, because I needed it.  I needed to express what I'm feeling, if only in part.  But I need someone to read it as well.
Can't stop the signal.

Ugh, I keep forgetting I have a livejournal! There really isn't a point to this anymore, it's not like I actually record anything.  And the only person who actually reads this is Greg.  I wish I had something witty or insightful to say here, but I really don't.  So I guess I'll just ramble...basically business as usual.
Oh man, I'm hungry. I didn't actually have dinner today, but brownies.  Well it's too late to eat now, so I'll just have to suck it up and deal!  I should be sleeping actually...but sleep is for nerds and squares, so fuck that.  Oh man, I almost had a legit point to make, but I totally lost it.  Okay, I've successfully wasted a least two minutes of my life, so that's all I'm going to write.

I've decided that my user name is really dumb.  I think I was having an existential crisis day or something like that when I started this.  It's really weird how much I've changed since I started writing here.  Back when I started writing in August of 08, I was in a good period period in my life.  But I soon shattered, because I was so fragile.  But here I am, stronger and a much better person.  So here is my life now.

It's confusing as hell.
It's wonderful and busy and good.
It's kind of lonely.
It's independent.

I live alone, in an apartment that I can't afford on my own since I can't find a job.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, but I'm not sure if I love him, which makes me feel like a horrible person.  I'm really involved with a couple of organizations, in a few leadership-ish positions.  I have a volunteer position at the local museum.  But I still feel like I don't do anything.  I don't really hang out with my friends. I wish I did that more. I miss hanging out with them.  I'm getting closer to a few friends though, so hopefully good things will happen.  I'm questioning my relationship with my boyfriend, but only because I feel he needs me more than I need him.  I'm trying to love him, but I can't seem to be able to say it to him.  I feel like I'm holding back in our relationship. Maybe I'm afraid of being hurt.  My life on the whole has become rather lonely though.  Since Alena moved out, I have no one to talk to when I come home.  There isn't that constant pressence here to keep me company.  But classes are good, and I think I'm going to have a good quarter. I just need to find a job, and I should be set.  Finding a job, however, is proving to be problematic.
Simplicity.

Today is a huge mile stone in my life.  Today is my one year free.  I've been a cutter since I was fifteen or sixteen, and today I can finally say I have made it a whole year without cutting myself.  I'm really proud of myself.  It was a hard road in the beginning.  I went through many things that just made me want to give in, but I didn't and I'm glad.  I've taken this last year to really find me, and in finding myself, I no longer wanted to hurt this wonderful person that I found I am.

Today is really special to me.  I am alive and that in itself is very precious to me.  Because one year ago, I didn't want to be alive.  But now, with the love and support of the people around me, and with the love and support of myself, there is one less mark on my body, one less scar I have to face.  But I do have to face some scars.  Faded though they may be, they are still there to remind me.  I could say they remind me how weak I once was, but I don't want to look at it like that.  I want them to remind me that nothing can tear me down, not even myself, because I am strong.

So here's to one year more of life, one more year I have made it through.  And I feel beautiful.

Captain's Log Week 2:
Athens: the middle frontier.
These are the exploits of the apartment Fern Gully.
It's a continuing mission to boldly not kill the loud ass Ginger next door.
Do dodo doooo dodo doooo

Okay imagine all that in Patrick Steward's voice, because I totally ripped that from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  (only because I was reading Wil Wheaton's tweets, and every time I do my thoughts go straight to Star Trek. They shouldn't, but they do.)   Anyway, here's the latest from me.  I'm all moved in to my new apartment, leavin' the dream in Athens.  And slowly realizing it was a very poorly thought out dream.  At this time I am going to working two jobs just to make ends meet.  So far I've started working at Casa Nueva, (actually today was my first day,) and Thursday I start my job at the bookstore working book rush.  That second job isn't permanent or anything, it's only for two weeks, and then I'll either get hired in or I'll have to look for another job.  I'm facing a deficiency of funds, insomuch that my parents have to help me buy my books and I didn't want to have to ask them for money.  I am not taking out any loans, but I'm paying my own rent and tuition.  Hard times are ahead of me, this I know, but I am not one to fail.  I will be working my ass off, what with maintaining two jobs and being a full time student.  I can do this.  I have to do this.
I'm scared.
I am so afraid of failing and I don't know why.  I won't let myself fail, once I set my mind to something, no power in the verse can stop me.
But I'm still terrified of having responsibility.

I'm going to be super lame here and post a blog about well...what I'm actually thinking.  Maybe it will help sort out some things in my head that I can't seem to come to terms with.
So mainly this is about a new uh...relationship I am not involved in....I worded that weird.  But basically I'm unofficially dating Martin.  He finally told me he's liked me since like the first time we dated...four years ago.  He was pretty drunk when he told me, but that's not surprising.  He likes me a lot, and I like him...enough.  But here's the thing(s):
1. I don't know if I really want to be dating him.
2. We have very very little in common.  We were good friends in high school, but things have changed.  We are both different people. Like for instance, he's in the army, I'm an anti-war hippie.
3. He's in the army! And he's stationed in Texas.  He won't have to go back over seas unless he re-enlists which he is probably going to do.  I don't think I could stand that, having him far away like that.
4. Everyday that I have hung out with him, he ends up getting drunk and he smokes.  Neither of which I really approve of. I mean, I don't mind the drinking, because hey, I drink, but he has to get drunk every night it seems.  And smoking is just gross! But he's trying to quit smoking.
Now don't get me wrong, Martin is a great guy. He treats me well, and he's been my friend since I was sixteen.  My parents like him, and he would pretty much do anything for me.  I just don't know if this is right for me.  What about my life in Athens? It's different there, he doesn't know what my life is like anymore.  And also, I don't really want to be tied down to someone while at school, at least not to someone I can't see at least a few times a week.  There were a couple of guys in Athens that I was starting to get closer with, that I had more in common with that well...something.  I sometimes just feel awkward around him, and I don't know how to get over that.
I figure I'll see how it plays out for the remaining time we have together, which by the way isn't much. I move in a week and a half and he is only back until the end of the month.  I don't know, I really don't know what to do about this.  I guess I'll just go with it for now.  He deserves his chance, after all, he's waited long enough to be with me (again???). I might as well give him that chance.  Who knows, maybe things will work out.
Writing this down has helped a little to sort through this...well I won't say mess, but complications.
On a lighter note, this is my last week at Bella's forever, and I'm looking forward to it.  It'll be weird when I get back to Athens and have to start a new job.  I've been at Bella's for three and a half years, it'll be so odd having to start all over at another place.  But I'm lucky to have a job lined up down there.  I'm looking forward to moving into my new apartment, and I can't wait to see Alena again.  It's going to be so awesome living with her, we're going to have so much fun in that place, especially while decorating!  It's exciting and terrifying all at once to be moving for realizies out of my house.  I'm going to be financially independent, paying my own rent and tuition.  For the first time I will be completely reliant on myself, truly free.  It's a moment I've been waiting for, but it still scares me, because that is a lot of responsibility.  I just hope I'm up to it.

Oh...you're still here. I thought you might have...nevermind.  So we're about a month into summer break, and nothing interesting has really happened.  My life consists mostly of waking up after noon, sitting around until 4 or 5 and then go to work, come home and do nothing.  There have been a few really good bike rides in there too. Like yesterday I rode my bike out to Eden Haven. It was an amazing ride! There was rode construction going on for most of the way out there, only no one was actually working on it.  It was so peaceful, and I didn't have to worry about cars.  When I arrived at the Haven, there was no one there, it was beautiful.  It wasn't sunny, but it wasn't not sunny either. It wasn't hot, it was pleasant.  Hidden birds sang from the trees.  It was serene.  I only stayed for a few moments, perhaps fifteen minutes.  Then I got on my bike and left, taking a different way home.  Eden Haven is a few miles out of town, and altogether the trip lasted about an hour and forty-five minutes.  It was an amazing ride.
Tuesday I went to Warped Tour.  I was working with the Eco Iniutive, so I had to be there an hour before the gates opened to do go through orientation and a sweep of the grounds.  Basically I spent the day digging in trash cans and picking out bottles, cans and cardboard.  But I still had time to see all the bands I wanted.  I saw a lot of rad bands, and still with the help of my sister and a mutual friend, we collected almost twelve bags of recycling.  The cool thing is that we got in for free, and got all the tour water we wanted, because water is a scare and precious thing at an all day summer concert.  I crowd surfed for the first time, it was funny actually.  It was during Underoath, and I was right in the front. But of course, that pit is insane and I was being crushed from all directions.  So I started moving back  in the crowd away from the chaos.  Eventually a mosh pit opened up around me, and it got crazy.  In the middle of the last song, I asked a guy next to me to send me up, and he and another guy lifted me up onto the waiting arms of the crowd in front of us.  And for a few moments, I was floating.  The music flowed around me, and I was floating over the heads of everyone.  They kept me up and moving into the waiting arms of a large security guard in yellow.  It was a magical experience.
And just to top things off, the guy at the Greenpeace tent was flirting with me.  He goes to Indiana State, and does a lot with the eco co-op there. Nice guy too.
But other than that, my life is rather dull.  I was hoping to go to the SDS National Convention this weekend, but I have to work everyday this weekend, so that's not happening.  No, I have nothing really to look forward to in my summer.  I'm just waiting for the end of August when I can move into my apartment and start my job down in Athens.  I'm pretty sure I'll have the job at Casa Nueva, but I still need to find another job so I can pay my rent and tuition, and food, and electric.  I hate money.

So I decided it was time for an update, since I haven't put anything up in a month.  Anything interesting going on in my life?  Well...tomorrow I go to sign my lease for my apartment.  I'm so stoked to have my first apartment! And it's right above ABC so I'll have a bookstore just downstairs!  Sure it's a small place, but it's my own, and I'm just happy to have it.  Alena and I are going to be living together, so I'll have a good friend as a roommate.  Now I just need to find a job for next year, so I can pay my rent.  
Hmm....and I'm ready for this quarter to be over.  Not that I don't love Athens, and school, I'm just so burnt out.  I'm ready to go home and work and just chill.  Actually I have a lot of work ahead of me this summer, what with my Greening Up Celina project, and working on stuff for next fall with the union.  It's going to be a pretty crazy summer.  I'll be bummed that I won't be able to see my friends, but I have one or two people who are near enough to me that we could hang out....especially if they are >25 minutes from me.....like in a neighboring town....just saying.  Oh man, that's one thing I hope gets taken care of, or at least something happens.  Oh well, anyway....tomorrow is Thursday! Shit, this week has gone by so fast, I can't even deal with it.  I have a final due Friday, and three finals next week.  It's pretty crazy.  Just a random thought, it kind of bugs me the way my roommate just random takes my desk chair so she can stand on it to reach things.  She has her own chair, she should stop taking mine!  Like it happens all the time, she'll just walk up and take it to stand on.  And like tonight, she just grabs my chair, throws my bag onto my bed and precedes to clean out her closet standing atop my chair.  Oh man....I feel I need to go in to rant mode for a few minutes:
Now don't get me wrong, I like my roommate, she's cool and I consider her one of my friends, but sometimes...
Like this past weekend, I went home and a couple of her friends surprised her wtih a visit.  When I got back, my little container with liquid insence stuff was considerably a lot less full and you could tell it had been spilt all over the window ledge.  Not to mention the fact that her bag was just laying on my bed, and it look as if either someone had been sleeping in or just laying on my bed.  When I asked her about it, she claimed not to know about the spill, and her excuse for the bag was that it was easier since my bed was closer.  Also, she watches a lot of movies and tv, which I don't mind, but sometimes for some reason a dvd won't work right, and she starts beating on my playstation. Like actually beating it.  That's my Playstation, I don't have the money to buy another one.  I just hate the way she disrespects my things.  But....it's just for one more week, and then I won't be living with her.
I did not mean for this to turn into a rant about my roommate.  She's a nice person, and a good roommate, but somethings just bother me.  Whatevs. The point is, tomorrow I sign my lease, and I don't have German tomorrow. And!!! I'm going to a show at the Ranch and hopefully I will have a certain person to spend my time there with.  Hopefully that same person will walk me (half-way) home like he sometimes does.  
I should go to bed, I do still have classes tomorrow.

You may find this post to be lame and insignificant, but to me...to me it means something.
Friday's episode of Dollhouse was crazy insane, one of the reasons being is that the identity of Alpha is revealed and it's Alan Tudyk...(which we all knew, but it was still nice to see him there anyway.)  Now there are a few things I would like to address about said episode.
1.--Paul is a complete and total dick face!  From the beginning he is making Mellie cry, saying he's leaving and that basically all they had together was nothing.  Which as we all know, Mellie is a doll who has been sent to keep tabs on Paul and he knows this, but still...after last weeks freak fest in the bedroom to this...
But wait, there's more!  Oh yes, see he then proceeds to follow Mellie, and waits for the van to come pick her up for her "treatment" so that he can find the location of the Dollhouse.  She was about ready to jump off a fucking bridge!  Now, Paul is always going on about how the Dollhouse is morally wrong and taking people against their will, and using people, but he's using Mellie to help fuel is obsession with Echo (Caroline).  He shows little remorse for the fact that Mellie may very well jump off a bridge for him.  True, Mellie as he knows her is a program, but the body is real, same as Caroline.  When he finally does get into the Dollhouse (which of course is a lot more complicated than walking in), and he gets to the sleeping pods, when he finds Mellie (November), he just shuts her back into the pod and says some whiny emo line.  No, he doesn't want to free her from the "evil" clutches of the brainwashing Dollhouse.  Instead, he looks for Echo (Caroline) and when he finds her, he gets this creeper smile look on his face just before Boyd shows up and attempts to beat the shit out of him.  Echo freaks out, and all the while, Paul is trying to push and pull her out of the Dollhouse, insisting that she is called Caroline and freaking the poor girl out even more. (Since she is obvisously in her doll state).  He doesn't seem to get the fact that she can't really help him in this state.  She is like a child, she doesn't want to be a part of his bringing down the Dollhouse, because in her mind, there is nothing bad about it.  She is completely wiped, and taking her out into the world would make her go insane.  He is simply fueled by his obsession to take down the Dollhouse and be Caroline's hero.  He's so wrapped up in himself and glorifing himself, and continuing his obsession that he fails to see the damage he actually does.
2. Alpha---What we have heard stories about since episode one.  The one doll that went psycho and killed a bunch of people before escaping out into the real world.  Alpha is unique in that he has like around 43 different personalities that are constantly in his head.  He makes decisions based on what they would do, and he's able to manipulate people, and get away with committing murders for the pure pleasure of it.  Which I don't think is actually the case, see his obsession is also Echo.  He knew Echo from the Dollhouse and Echo is much like him, she's special, and is able to think outside her programing.  There's probably a whole part to the story between Alpha and Echo that we don't know yet.  For example, what is the personality that he programed into Echo at the end of the episode, when they started sucking face and waltzed out of the Dollhouse arm in arm.  Alpha is so beyond complex, I can't even describe it.  Imagine having 43 different personalities in your head at one time, it's a wonder he's entire perception of reality isn't completely warped.  The fact that he can still function in the outside world baffles me.  Most reasoning would say that he would have figuratively self-destructed, but yet he schemes and plans and manipulates people.  But he sees the dolls as the future for humanity, that they will all be able to jump from body to body.  Will anyone ever truely die when their mind can be put in another body?  Can Alpha really die then?  He could just as easily program his mind into another body when his current one begins to decay.  Will there always be this psycotic mass of human minds resting in some body?  That's the mystery of Alpha...well one of the mysteries.  Another would be why he did go crazy.  Why did Alpha's mind reject the programing the way it did?
Did I seriously just do a whole post on Dollhouse, playing off it's moralies and the concepts of an infinte mental creature?
Yeah, I did. I'm sorry, but I had to.

I sat under that tree in the rain and thought.
I thought about everything that is going on in my life right now.
I thought about how I surround myself with people, but yet feel totally alone.
And how I hide how much that hurts me with a smile.
I hide it from them.
I hide it from myself.
It's not that I'm not happy.
I am happy.
I'm just lonely.
And I was thinking of all these different things.
In two weeks time, it will be officially six months.
Six months longer that I have lived.
I tried to kill myself six months ago.
I cut my wrist in an attempt to drive out the pain,
And when that didn't work...
Well...
I finally got my bad day.
Maybe that has put me in this weird mood.
I've spent months trying to figure out who I am,
To rebuild this shattered image of myself.
I finally reached a level of happiness I had never known before.
But one bad day has shown me that I am not invincible.
I had forgotten how to feel sadness, anger, despair, regret, guilt.
I left those emotions in a frozen lake,
I let them be ripped from me so that I could know freedom.
But I feel free of any true emotions.
I look in on the world, and I experience it,
But I don't feel apart of it.
I'm just a wandering traveler passing through.
I'm just passing through.
Maybe I'm waiting for someone who will stop,
Really stop,
And talk to me,
Ask me who I am, and get to know me.
I'm tired of being pages in other people's books,
I want to be a chapter in at least someone's book.
I realized today,
That no matter how content I am with life,
At the bottom of everything,
Down to my very core,
I will always be an existentialist.

And so it ends.